Relapsing

Staying clean is hard and that’s okay. If you need to use a harmful coping mechanism to keep yourself alive then you shouldn’t be chastised for doing so. 

 I often struggle with intense thoughts of self harm and suicide. Luckily, I’ve gotten to the point where I can drown those specific thoughts out but there are still times when they (self harm urges) win. I have not attempted to take my life since 2022. 

For me, self harm is a release. I convince myself I deserve the pain and it makes me feel better by inflicting it upon myself; it’s a feeling of relief. There are also scenarios where I do it out of pure boredom. It’s a habit to easily fall back into when bored and unsure of what to do.

For a month or so, I conquered these thoughts by distracting myself with crafts and games, but now I’m able to challenge them alone. Mostly. 

Slip ups are natural and I’m not ashamed of when I do relapse.

When I was thinking about writing this blog post, a thought popped up in my head:

“I used to try and take my life weekly at minimum and yet I’m still here. I’ve never been more grateful to have my wishes denied.”

It was only then, earlier today, that I realised just how far I’ve come. 

Are there moments when I wish I were dead? Certainly. Are there moments when I give into the urge to hurt myself? Yes. But, despite all of that, when my mind is clear, I’m happy I’m alive; I’m happy I survived. 

Triggers

My biggest trigger, I think, is always going to be the past. I feel haunted by it, like i can’t escape. Throughout the days, my mind is constantly replaying all my worst memories. 

• My old step-dad yelling in my 12/13/14 year old face, telling me how selfish I am, that I ruin everything and that he’d hurt me. 
• Having to psychically stop my friend from drinking laundry detergent in the psych ward because the door to the laundry room was left unlocked, aka because of the incompetence of staff. What makes it worse is that she got the idea off of me saying that that’s how I was planning on killing myself. 
• When I opened up to my mother for the first time about wanting to die and her friend came over and yelled in my face, telling me that I make my mum want to kill myself and that it’s all my fault.
• The claustrophobia when getting restrained, especially when gloved hands hold your chin. I can no longer stand the smell of surgical gloves.
• Watching a patient succeed in taking their life.

These are a just a few of what circles found in my head. I’ve mentioned the girl that was successful in taking her life in another blog post, too. It’s a very prominent thing in my head. 

Triggers that aren’t memories include loud noises, being overwhelmed, feeling pressured, feeling purposely excluded. 

How I manage my triggers

The easiest thing that I can do is simply leave whatever situation has me feeling in such a way but, obviously, this option isn’t always available. 

In that instance, all I do is fidget or try and distract myself on my phone. I’m not at the stage yet where I have specific things that work for me. All I know is that I don’t listen to the bad thoughts so often. 

I’ve tried many, many coping mechanisms but unfortunately, very few actually work for me. 

Myths about relapsing 

➵ “Relapse means failure”

Relapse is no where near close to failure. The fact that you’re relapsing is almost like a testimony that you’re trying. 

➵ “The end of recovery”

Recovery is never a straight forward thing and relapsing does not signify the end of it. It does also not take away any of your accomplishments. 

➵ “A sign of weakness”

You do not lack strength for listening to urges. You cannot fight them 24/7 and that’s okay. The fact that you’re wanting to get better despite all the bad things, shows just how strenuous you are. Occasionally, my relapses last a couple of weeks. Addiction, whether it be to alcohol, self harm, starvation, etc, is one of the hardest things to overcome. Am I weak for not always resisting? No. Neither are you. 

When I knew I was getting better

Somethings, you don’t realise until after they pass. Here’s a list of things that, even though I might have not known at the time, were signs of  recovery.

➵ The first time I saw food as just that. No calories, no weight gain. To this day, I find it difficult to not see nutrition as that but I can’t deny my progress. 

➵ The first time I went on a walk by myself since I was 13. 

➵ When I joined a running club. It was the most social thing I’d done since year eight. 

➵ When I started imagining a future for myself that didn’t involve my death. 

➵ When I stopped crying every night because of being scared of the world.

➵ When I started looking forward to things. 

➵ The first time I realised that getting better was worth it. 

➵ When I was able to have proper therapy sessions instead of blocking it out and drawing. 

➵ When my weight didn’t make me cry for the first time. 

➵ When I could leave a room without doing checks (ocd).

I used to think that being healed meant being “normal”, a transformation back to my old self. I now know that that’s not possible, but I'm okay with that. With what I’ve been through, I’ve gained insight, strength and empathy I never asked for but am undoubtedly grateful for.

My life is still messy, my recovery can be all over the place but I'm learning what it is to live again instead of just surviving. 

I believe that whoever reading this can do the same too.