Before diving into the more difficult parts of my story, I want to share the positives that have kept me moving forward. Below are just a couple of things that have helped me see a real future for myself.
SPORTS
Having struggled with mental health my whole life, I've certainly heard a plethora of things that are said to supposedly help with resisting urges to self harm and feeling better. Do these things help? I cannot answer that question. Every person is different and therefore, it’s impossible to say if they work for everyone; however, I do encourage you to have a look and try them out for yourself:
One of the things that kept popping up everywhere I looked is sports - whether you're running, dancing, playing football or rock climbing, doing all this physical activity will help. Honestly, I thought it was a bunch of bullshit for a long, long time. There's a certain mindset you fall into where nothing feels possible, where feeling better is just an out of reach dream. Or perhaps you don't want to get better at all. I didn't. I didn't even want to attempt getting better and as a result of that, I never tried certain things that even professionals insisted would help. Eventually though, I realised that there aren't any pros to feeling miserable all the time and wanting to end my life every day. I was sick of my thoughts being plagued with all the different ways to direct my own demise. It was at that stage when I decided to join my local running club. My bones were wracked with nerves that first Monday night I walked to the meeting point. I hadn't been very social, besides from online communications, in three years. I also had very poor fitness levels due to never being sporty as a kid and cooping myself in my house for the past several years. So, expectedly, I was absolutely terrified of embarrassing myself, terrified of not being able to keep up and losing my breath. It never happened though. The club was welcoming and in it, I found the most supportive group of people I’ve met. I felt as though I had finally found something for me. My body got healthier, no matter how small the differences were (for example, the chest pains I once had while running disappeared in just a week or two), and mentally, I finally felt as if I finally had something that gave me purpose. Currently, I am having to rest due to shin splints and am finding it very difficult to not be upset about it. Running has become my clutch. Take the risk and do something that scares you.
PETS
Back in 2022, when I had been discharged from a psychiatric ward after thirteen months of constant surveillance, I was terrified. The safety of the ward, where no one could get in and out without permission, was ripped away from me overnight and I was suddenly thrust back into the 'normal' world. Each evening, I would cry to my mum, scared of what would happen to me now that I didn't feel protected, until she convinced me to take medicine to calm me down. Even though I had my mum, I felt alone. I went from having someone there to support me 24/7 if needed to a house haunted with bad memories and the help gone. Obviously my mum could not always be home and it was in those moments, when I was left to my own devices, that my mind would wander and conjure up all of the worst scenarios possible. Although I'm not exactly sure when, I know that soon after that, my mum proposed the idea of adopting kittens. I immediately agreed, of course, and next thing I know (admittedly, I'm a very impatient person so it felt like years), we had two cats: Eclipse and Tara. At first, I was certainly sceptical and doubtful, thinking I was too ‘damaged’ to ever feel better but with each smile they brought me and each time they’d sleep on my bed at night, I knew I was no longer alone. It's impossible to put in words just how much they have, and continue to, help me. Without them, I have no doubt I'd be back behind the walls of a mental health unit.
TALKING
This one seems like a given, right? Well, I certainly didn't think so when I was younger. Anytime I opened my mouth to express how I felt, I either had it thrown back in my face, yelled at, or it simply made me feel worse and awkward. Besides from a couple of months in 2023, it’s only been this year that I've actually found speaking about things helpful. To begin with, I found verbal conversations about my feelings too overwhelming so instead, I would exchange letters back and forth with my therapist. In the present, I look forward to my appointments as I feel as if it’s one of the only safe places I have where I know I won’t be judged or belittled for feeling how I do. It has done wonders in terms of helping me on my path to recovery. One thing I will say is that, feeling comfortable talking to someone definitely depends on whether you actually like them and/or find them helpful to talk to. Don’t give up until you find the right person.
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If you’re out there struggling, whether in silence or with support, please know that you are not alone, no matter how isolating it may feel at times. There are things that can help you take steps forward, and I truly believe that, if you’re open to it, things can improve.
Thank you for reading.
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